How To Rock A Rant: Extra Jimmie Rustling Edition
by Lonely Impostor
Summary: Are you a hardcore How To Rock fan? Then click here and prepare for your jimmies to be rustled. This includes the old rant and a new version which is targeted at the untalented writer of this awful show. Meant to offend the writers of the show, not the fans. Willing to debate with you, just PM me or review, your choice.
1. Chapter 1

To anyone, really:

I hope you're having a good day. Hopefully the sun is out, if you're into that. Or if you prefer rainy days, I hope you're experiencing that. Whichever, whatever, I'm rambling.

Now, I don't know what I want to achieve by writing this. I won't achieve anything, really, so why write it? It's a matter of opinion I guess, something I need to get off my chest. I'm amazed if you're still reading at this point.

I posted this on the How To Rock fanfiction page. Now, here's what I want to say to you guys. You guys amaze me, really. The fact that you looked into this…this TV show and pulled out something good from it is just phenomenal. Good job :) And I mean it, really. You fans don't bother me at all.

And I predict that many of you will report this story, since it's technically not a story. Whatever, do what you guys want to do.

I wouldn't consider myself a writer, but I do like to type here and there, now and then. But what I really like to do is read other work. When I have the time, though—we're all busy, aren't we?—and usually they are series or TV shows that I like. I know you don't consider TV to be writing, but I think of screenplays when I watch it. Character development. Plot development. You know how it is, right?

But what truly, truly amazes me, is the writers of How To Rock. Think about it for a minute, if you're still reading. Imagine these screenwriters graduating college. Getting hired by Nickelodeon to write a TV show. Can you honestly imagine that? Imagine that college classroom, filled with aspiring writers, and out of all of those choices, you pick these guys? Really?

I heard of How To Rock before it came out, so I decided to watch the first episode on its premiere date. Sigh. I'll get back to this.

Now, I don't know how old you are, whoever is reading. I don't know, that's obvious. But, I am going to assume that you are either a pre-teen, teenager, or young adult? Am I right? Again, I might be wrong. Think back to those "genius" writers Nickelodeon hired. When they developed these characters, this plot, this TV show, who do you think they were writing for? You guys?

Or kids?

Probably kids. Because the writing is so bad, I can almost feel my brain cells burning up in order to return to their normal size when I was around age nine. So, maybe I shouldn't be so mean to the writers.

But they should have predicted this! Do they think that only kids watch iCarly, or Victorious, or Drake and Josh? JUST kids? There was so much they could have done to save the show, but they didn't care.

Yes, it's a kid show, but My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is a kids show, and does anyone care? Of course not! But that didn't clear their judgment. They would write it and make it as cheesy as they wanted to. They were getting paid.

Not anymore.

Awh, that sucks. They got their show sucked out from under them. They probably had the entire, horrible thing planned out, and now it's gone. Just gone. I can almost imagining the heads of Nickelodeon calling them in for a meeting: "Well, guys. Your show has just finished recording its first season, and we've had next to no ratings, even after we brought on Cee Lo Green. You can clean up your offices now."

That's gotta sting. Like, hand-sanitizer-in-a-paper cut-sting. But STILL…

The writers of How To Rock brought this upon themselves. It's their fault. My creative writing class in high school taught me more than these idiots know. But it doesn't mean I can't show a scrap of sympathy. There were so many things they could have done to save themselves, but it's too late now, isn't it?

This topic is almost impossible to resist. There's nothing I or anyone can do to help them now, but I can't help but think of all the things they could've fixed.

Let's start with the characters, character development, and actors.

Ok, writers of How To Rock. So you've decided that you want to make a TV show. A TV show on a channel that specializes in kids show. So, let's make a kid show…

You have some guidance, yes. That's one smart thing you fellas did. You looked to past experience. You look at iCarly, who overly-glorifies Carly, and Victorious, who overly-glorifies Tori. If that's selling, then of course you made a mary-sue main character to follow the others. You were doing what anyone would have done.

How To Rock writers,

What are you doing.

How to Rock writers,

STAHP.

Stop this! Just stop this chain! We don't want that! No one wants that! It's so stupid, I can't even. You didn't make your show any more original! They already have iCarly, and they already have Victorious! What makes you think they would want another one?

No.

One.

Likes.

Perfect.

Characters.

Once you figure that out, How To Rock writers, you may have your chance at redemption. Maybe.

Now, let's look at the casting…

Look, I get your little mini Hollywood system, no need to explain it to me. I know that Cymphonique Miller needed a show, so you guys went ahead and gave her one. In your show, however, you made a mary sue out of her.

And, if you don't know what a "mary sue" is, it's a character that is so overly perfect with hardly any flaws. Before you go and say, "We gave her flaws!" I want you to sit down for a while and think about it. Are those flaws "cutesy"? Do bad things ever happen to her because of it? Not just little issues that last an episode, but ACTUAL problems?

**NO.**

And why do you have everyone crushing on Kacey? She's not drop dead gorgeous, guys! She's pretty, of course, but she's nothing special. At all. Nothing to make the entire school worship the ground her 15 inch heels walk on.

She's not a swell actress, either. And autotune is her best make-up.

Also, guys, if you're going to make other characters, make them more fascinating. I completely forgot Nelson and Kevin's names for the first five episodes.

And please, work on your villains. Yes, because the two "popular" blond and brunette duo NEVER gets old. NEVER.

The only thing that really kept me watching was Lulu Antariksa. Holy crap, she is literally the most beautiful thing to walk on the planet. Oh my God, you should have seen my face when I saw her in the show. So I kept watching, but I was so…so repulsed by the entire series that I couldn't continue.

Now, I assume that you all believe that I like Stevie the character. Truth is, no, I do not. I don't like any of the characters. She's too unoriginal. I couldn't buy into her character. That beautiful girl was a good actress, but I didn't like who she was playing. Sigh.

And of course, Xander. Can we say fangirl fodder?

Basically, it was too easy to see what you were doing, How To Rock writers. You wanted Kacey on this ridiculous, unrealistic pedestal. You wanted her and Xander to develop feelings for each other. I can tell, because of the little hints in that one episode with the love song. You added Stevie so you could make a love triangle. And Kevin was there to "unconditionally" love Kacey no matter what because she's so damn perfect and perfect and perfect.

Are you starting to get it now?

But I'm not done, unless you are; feel free to stop reading at any time. Let's look at your "marvelous" plot.

Ok, so if Mary sue characters are selling, maybe music is selling too. And it is, it really is. So you have Kacey as the lead singer (of course) and she sucks. She can't sing, guys. And no one randomly stumbles across this band and says, "Oh hey! Maybe I can sing or something!" and then she can. No, guys…this doesn't happen. So basically, there is no plot, only mindless teenage drama. With some music.

So original, guys. You guys deserve a gold sticker. It's probably all you can afford now that your funding has been shut down.

So, characters suck. Plot sucks. So you decide to make it worse.

Your episodes are uninteresting. You try to make it relatable to a pre-teen, so girls can relate to this. If that is your goal…maybe you should try making it realistic? Just an idea.

No one gets castrated from society because they get glasses and braces. And that first episode basically convinces children that if they ever get glasses and braces, their life is over! Don't be idiots, guys, come on. You're adults, act like them. Also, I don't think the little "perfs" group dominates schools anymore. Get your heads out of the 70's.

Basically, your show is bad, and you should feel bad.

There's nothing you can do now. The show is dead. To Max Schneider and Lulu Antariska, I wish you the best. To Cymphonique Miller…you need more autotune.

If any of you fans are mad at me, it's cool. Go ahead and yell. Scream it out until you're deaf. Because I get it, guys. It's fine. I actually want to hear opinions. Just remember, I have no problem with any of you.

If any of you agree with me…thank you for keeping your eyes open. For knowing bad writing when you see it.

I might make a sequel to this rant when I get around to it, but until then, adieu.


	2. Chapter 2

To, again, anyone:

I wasn't really planning on making another entry so soon. I figured I had said enough and that there was really nothing left to say. But a bit of curiosity incidentally led me to an article, where I got to read something that seriously set me off.

It usually takes a lot to set me off most of the time, but I was so overwhelmed with fury and anger when I read this, that I had to get it out on paper once again.

Now, in the first entry, I was referring to the How To Rock writers as just "writers". But now, after a tad more research, I got the name of the executive producer.

David Israel.

First off, Israel, you're a terrible writer, so let's get that out of the way. Absolutely horrific. But that's not the point. Some people can't write, but that doesn't mean they can't be good people. So, I decided to read a bit of a F&A from you and the HTR fans:

Here's a lovely little excerpt from it:

* * *

Q: I wish **DIsrael **would just tell us if **#****Zevie **happened so I wouldn't tear myself up inside hoping for possibly nothing.

A:If I tell u you'll just tear yourself up over something else.

* * *

Oh, and this:

* * *

Q: Did u expect so many Zevie shippers when you created the show? I also noticed that u rarely reply to Zacey shippers.

A:The whole Shipper thing is new to me. And bizarre.

* * *

And this:

* * *

Q: How did you get to your job being a producer?

A: Wrote and produced many shows before How To Rock. NONE with such insane fans.

* * *

Phew. I don't know where to start.

Actually, I do. And I know there are a lot of children on the How To Rock fanfiction page, so I'll only say this once, and I'll bump the rating up to T.

David Israel, you arrogant cocky prick. Fuck you.

Wow, just wow. Reading that F&A literally made my blood boil. Even writing this is making some of the anger return. Israel, you have a lot to learn about dealing with shipping nations.

I'm even more glad that How To Rock was cancelled! Before I was sort of "meh", feeling a little bad for Max and Lulu because I'm sure they were really starstruck about being actors before. But Israel, knowing that all of your bravado and your ego has been sucked from you, I now laugh.

No, really, I do. Israel, don't you know what happens when you fail at a TV show? Especially after having a history of other shows in the past? Here, I'll spell it out for you.

**THEY ARE NOT GOING TO HIRE YOU ANYMORE.**

That's right! No more income. No more begging fans biting at your heels. That's right, it's done for, my friend; it's over. And if you do somehow manage to get a show, it won't be on such a popular channel anymore, and since you were originally on Nickelodeon, not even the hipsters will cater to you. Nor will you get the same pay. It's over.

If you were a nice guy, someone who actually treated their fans with **respect,** I might have felt sorry for you. Gave your show another shot. Not be such a rude jerk like I am to you. But you were horrible to your fans. You thought that you could troll them (and you're not a great troll, also) and make them come running back for more.

But no, seriously, what kind of person looks directly at his fans and calls them crazy? Again, I know you've been copying off of iCarly and Victorious, because Dan Schneider has a habit of calling his fans crazy. But, in case you haven't noticed…

**DAN SCHNEIDER CAN SUCCESSFULLY TROLL.**

** YOU CANNOT.**

Also, quit being so negative towards shipping! Are you seriously that naïve? You make a love triangle in your story, so similar to the Sam-Freddie-Carly love triangle in iCarly, and you think no one will care? Don't lie, you idiot. No one believes you. You wanted to make the shipper fans mad, and when you did, you turn it around and say it's their fault? Oh my God, you are so stupid, I can't even.

Please, someone, cut this man's hands off. We can't let him type away more nonsense if he ever does get a show again. Burn his laptop, his Word Document, where any sort of notes for aspiring shows may lie. This man may be the next Stephenie Meyer, or even *gulp* E.L. James.

I was curious about your reaction to your show ending. So you did make a nice long note on the Nick website about it. It's too long to post all of it here, so I'll show you some parts. Here's a quote for the shippers from him:

* * *

"And then there are you fans. Wow are you people devoted. Especially you Shippers. As this was my first Nickelodeon show, I have never experienced fandom like I've seen on How To Rock. I've been overwhelmed (and slightly terrified) by your passion for the show and detailed observations of moments that occurred in various episodes. I am truly sorry that the How To Rock storylines won't be continuing for multiple seasons because I know you would have been following — and complaining — every step of the way."

* * *

Oh, devoted? That's strange. I'm pretty sure you called them **insane** and **bizarre** at first. And that's right, you better be terrified—devoted shippers WILL mess you up.

And here's another lovely message to Zevie shippers (man, this guy does not like Zevie shippers at all):

* * *

"I've loved reading your comments about the show on Twitter (even those from the fearsome Zevie Nation) and look forward to seeing what you have to say about the final nine episodes. (Except those from the fearsome Zevie Nation)."

* * *

Do you all believe me now when I said that Zevie wasn't going to happen? Israel seems to hate it. Can't have Stevie swooping in and stealing perfect Kacey's uber-special perfect love interest, right?

So, Israel, I have one more message to you.

Just stop this. Stop all of this. Even in your last message to your audience, you summed up your last drop of ego and arrogance and spilled it over everyone. You were harsh to your fans, and that was probably your biggest fault. You need to stop writing, stop speaking, and preferably stop breathing. You have ruined this show, and it's all your fault.

So, **YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD.**

Nickelodeon, please, hire Lulu and Max and Chris and Noah and let them do something else. Don't let them get blamed because David Israel vomited disgrace over them. They aren't cursed like Israel, I swear—they're actually really talented.

Adieu, fellas.


End file.
